biding

kaitlyn crow

Justice Black Sequin High Top Sneakers

2011: the first time I think about gender. The year I get my cell phone. The year I realize you can pick your friends.

Ms. Hertzberg looks me up and down during sixth grade orientation and says, Well, I can tell you march by the beat of your own drum. It’s my neon phase, my sequin phase. I want her to like me. She says it with a smile. I vibrate.

Still, I beg my mom for a razor when Conner Hutson points out that I have more leg hair than him. I can’t get away from the unsettled feeling that eyes linger on my calves. Part of me wants them to look. The part of me that wins never wants anyone to look, to see, again. Shaved smooth, clean, I am invisible. I am just like the other growing-up girls.

Nike Kids Electric Green Mercurial Cleats

Coach Rick calls me “Bulldog,” because I’m not afraid to push girls into the dirt. He puts me on the field and tells me to mark the best player on the opposing team. Make sure she never gets the ball. I spend a lot of time smelling grass, dirt, perfume off the other girls’ jerseys. Thinking about how the fabric hugs their bodies differently when their jerseys are tucked in or flowing free. Wondering if anyone else on the field is thinking the same.

My electric feet can never take me as fast or as far as the girls on my team. I try to learn, but I can never control my breathing.

Adidas Men's Samba Classic Indoor Soccer Shoe

I bleed into my clothes for the first time. I bunch up toilet paper in my underwear and change into my spare Rachel Carson Middle School gym shorts. Girls leer at me, ask me why I’m wearing my gym clothes all day. They know the answer.

Three years later - high school, pimples, bras with underwires - my girlfriend asks me if I’ve ever thought about being a man. I flush red and can’t filter the thoughts to words: no, and am I allowed to think about that?

I’ve had hundreds of menstrual cycles since then, not one of them welcome.

Birkenstock Arizona Berko-Flor Nubuck

I go to college to get a degree and accidentally discover myself. I grapple with vocabulary, new language to express the knowledge that has always been there: I am not a girl, not a woman. But not a man, either.

The idea of not having a box to crawl inside terrifies me, makes me feel vulnerable. I join a sorority to build the walls stronger, to hide. But I balk at professional dress days, white dresses at initiation, love her for her womanhood.

My feet are permanently sun-striped two shades of tan from spending more time alone, outside, instead. I take classes at such an aggressive pace, an advisor asks me why I’m in such a hurry to leave, but I can’t answer because I don’t know what exactly I’m trying to leave in the first place.

Ella Embossed-Leather D'Orsay Pumps

From one box to another, I decide to buy shoes that make me feel like I can hold down a job. I type into the Google search bar: “black” and “heels” and “office.” Each pair looks more uncomfortable than the next, but I pick something spiky from a brand I think I recognize. I swallow down the squish-toed, heel-bruised, sitting-up-straight-in-an-office-chair feelings that creep their way up my esophagus.

Sam Edelman Faux Snakeskin Ankle Boots

I find I’ve put myself in a box so tight, so confined, that I start to squeeze “nonbinary” from my pores. I do my job well, but discover every success kneecapped by She did a great job, and We couldn’t pull this off without her.

Someone says Have a good weekend, ladies on a Friday afternoon, and I think about what it would mean to be myself in this space, break down the walls. I imagine looking them in the eyes and saying I’m not a lady. I imagine spending several hours a week making those corrections. I keep playing pretend.

My yellow cowboy boots peek out from beneath my dress pants. An office-wear rebellion in an ocean of black and navy blue. I bide my time. I wait for the right moment to open the box and let myself out.

about the artist

Kaitlyn Crow is a queer writer based in Richmond, Virginia. Their works have appeared or are forthcoming in bluestockings magazine, Wrongdoing Magazine, and COUNTERCLOCK, among others. They serve as an editor at K'in Literary Journal and Chaotic Merge Magazine.